Hourglass
For as long as I can remember, I have always mentally laid out a plan for my life. When I first wake up, I plan out my day from my morning routine to my work appointments to when I will begin preparing dinner. I was always thinking about the future, about where I would be in the next ten years, about what my daughters would be like by the time they go to university, and everything in between. I haven’t had much of those mental future planning sessions in a while. Not because I am not pondering about my future, but because my future seems so out of focus right now.
We can all agree that nobody knows what the future holds; life can turn on a dime at any time. In previous blogs I’ve mentioned the anxiety I feel when I consider what my physical capabilities may be in the future. I’ve shared how I feel like I’m living life in an hourglass, unsure if the sand if flowing out quickly or slowly, but either way feeling like I’m racing against time. What I haven’t really touched on is the sense of urgency this has instilled in me, as well as the degree of change has created in me.
I'm making the most of what I have right now. I've started running three days a week (by "running," I mean going slightly faster than walking), and I'm really enjoying it. I am working out five to six days a week and am embracing the sore muscles because I know one day, they might be sore for another, less temporary, reason.
I took my youngest on a 6km walk/hike along a nearby trail a few weekends ago. This is something I might have put off until "later" or "when the weather gets nicer," but I feel the urgency to do things NOW. Walking through the forest, just her and I, while she chatted away telling me clearly made-up stories is one of my favourite moments.
I could give so many examples of how this new sense of urgency has helped me be more present, and how it’s helped me find enjoyment in not putting things off. I can feel the improvements this is making in my life; it’s making me a happier person, a better partner, and a better Dad. I just wish it didn’t have to take a diagnosis to make me realize that I needed to plan less and enjoy living in the moment more.
So, whenever that day comes for me, where I am not able go for runs or walks with my baby girl, I will at least have a mind full of good memories and a heart free of regrets.
- Jesse